actually im in a messed up condition. people wont be able to tell but i really cant control my mind in this last month. this is the second semester of my uni final project, normally people can finish their final project in 2 semester. but my mind state is really unstable due to much thing…
i might seem more better in communicate with people –well no, i actually getting more pessimistic sometimes- but i thought i want to be like other people too, live normal, the result is. I become unable to create story. and unable to read. this two thing is the only thing that keep me survive in my past self. (im not doing it to get anything. i write for myself, its like a thing i do to take a rest from reality)
I cant do it and i feel really miserable. wheter is my long story, a small side story about character ive made with friend, or even my final project comic story. ( its marco, freya and mr.adam). i liked the theme, i like the character. but i just unable to write. the same for the rest of my story.
but i have to done my final project whatever condition im in. its feel like scribbling on fog. its really scarry, maybe because the burden of final project, it is a story that i must bear the responsibility of the context. what if this story didnt go in the right way, what if added misinformation. what if its really weird. after all im bad at communication.
the same goes for reading. i cant enjoy much of any story i read, or dropped it. im traumatic at opening webtoon because it reminded me about how I made webtoon 3 years ago and stopped because of depression. its affecting to whatever im reading. and i just cant read comic normally, yet i need to make story to continue living so i need to read to have reference and inspiration. it is so empty being in this year because i really cant do it.
yesterday i finished the storyboard for the final project comic. its hard. i wonder how people can made their story for the comic so fast? why im the only one who struggling with this fog? even after it finished i really still scared if it isnt going right.
then i take a deep breath.
Its really thanks to orv. kim dokja especially. im glad i found them in this end of the year, even it took a bit time to stabilize me to stop fangirling. but because i read it im relieved
‘ah i still can enjoy reading after all,
theres still many thing i want to read,
i still want to continue making story
Orv itself is a story of a reader. and that way i realized that im still a reader, i can read, and i can made story again. this time all i need to do is accept.
in other term. ‘bersyukur’. no matter how weird ive become as a human, or my story become. i cant just erase it and change it to be like other people. i have to accept that.
this way i decide to move on. and stop thinking to erase and start. and im thankful my vision become a bit clearer today.
this is a delete later post, thank you. have a good year end and dont forget to be thankful for yourself surviving this year.
//the drawing is fanart for the 188th chapter xD, i havent finish the strip yet because pilled up things, i had to restrain from keep reading//